Sunday, February 26, 2012

Pitch Madness Prep #3

Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 91,000

In a world where emotions are banned by a spell, sixteen year old Kiana must find an enchanted jar of tears and use them to stop the tyrannical Arcaian soldiers from stealing her people's magic. 

First 150:
     Any minute now I’ll get caught. The heavy tread of military boots will hammer through the silence, and they’ll try to take my magic. Too bad I don’t have any, but the Arcaians won’t know that until it’s too late. The thought alone sends shivers down my spine.

     I duck into a foggy alleyway and listen for something—anything—to warn me that the Arcs are nearby. Shivers nibble at my skin, and I break for the tremor—a large piece of yellow machinery resting by the abandoned fuel station. Its long crane beds into the concrete lot near the fuel pumps. I stop by one of its massive wheels, catching my breath. The acrid smell of burnt magic fills the air around the machine, and my jaw clenches. I hate that smell. Like we need another reminder of what those axrats are doing when they steal our magic.

*Please critique and post feedback in comments below*


  1. Nice, simple log-line setting up a character, a world and a conflict. The opening is full of tension and all the right questions. I'd change 'sends shivers down my spine' since it's such a commonly used phrase. How else do you feel when you're terrified? Pick a unique sensation and an agent will take notice.
    I'd take out 'when they steal our magic' from the last line. The rhythm is stronger then, and it doesn't change the meaning taking it out.
    Also, I'd break the shivers nibbling into its own sentence so that the dramatic action isn't glazed over (took me a few reads to realize you meant she dashed over to the tremor).
    I'd love to read on. Good job.

  2. This is a great piece. The pitch was intriguing and unlike anything I've read before. The story starts out with lots of tension and forces the reader to question what will happen. Which is great, since that's what will keep someone reading.

  3. I think the pitch is wonderful.
    Katherine has some good suggestions on the excerpt but I think it is pretty darn intriguing. I would read on for sure!

    Good Luck