Sunday, February 26, 2012

March Madness Prep #6

Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 100 000

(Updated 4:15 p.m.)

When nerdy teenager Diamond is hauled back into a 16th century, magical civilization, she must unleash the destructive new powers within herself to defend her ancestors in a war she doesn’t know she started.

(Updated 9:10 a.m.)
First 150 words: 
     Di stopped, dead. The room was an apocalyptic mess. Her twin brother’s rats’-nest hair, scruffy uniform and muddy trainers were like camouflage amidst the chaos.
     “Who took my school bag?” he whined, kicking aside piles of dirty laundry and untouched textbooks.

     “Not this again, Coby.” Di checked her watch. “Will you hurry up? Mum and Dad already left for work and the bus’ll be here in a sec’.”

     Coby muttered something, probably rude, but at least he wasn’t making last-minute fridge raids or playing hallway football.  And if he complained again about his morning being ruined by face-washing and teeth-cleaning and other things fifteen-year-old boys say are a waste of time, she might just snap and make him organize himself.

     Like that’ll ever happen. Di sighed. “I’ll help you look.”

     “Right.” Coby finger-combed his hair as he passed her, though he still looked like he’d been mugged. By a cyclone.

*Please critique and post feedback in comments below*


  1. Very intriguing premise! I'm excessively curious about the war she doesn't know she started. The phrase "homework roster" threw me, I'm not entirely sure what you mean, a sign-up list or something? Could you maybe just say from her school or something? Great excerpt too. I'd suggest rearranging Colby asking where his bag is right above the paragraph where she says she will help him look. By the time I got there I forgot what she was helping him look for. :) Other than that, this read fine. Good luck!! :D

  2. The pitch is a bit confusing, try to fit it into two sentences instead of one I like the last paragraph of the excerpt, though! :)

  3. The pitch isn't bad but I think you could tighten it up. Maybe?
    Hauled back into a 16th century, magical civilization, nerdy teenager Diamond must unleash her new destructive powers to defend her ancestors in a war she doesn’t know she started.

    I don't think the excerpt is where your story starts. To me it shows of Coby more than Di. I see he is a mess and probably annoying but so what....

    Good Luck