Sunday, February 26, 2012

March Madness Prep #5

Genre: Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 54,000

Whisper Stevens' nineteenth birthday could be her last. The reincarnation of a woman trapped in Paradise, Whisper must fight to survive as an immortal tries to kill her and reclaim his lost love.

Paris, France
December 31, 1511

Christophe shoved his hand deeper into his trouser pocket, his fingertips lightly splaying across the little velvet box residing there. He smiled, thinking of what the ring meant for him, for them. Lillianna had been betrothed to him for four years now, and finally,finally, he planned to propose. He was grateful for the first time in his life for his family’s influence.

When he’d first met his Lilli, she’d been a budding fourteen year old, all gangly limbs and clumsy feet. But he’d seen the beauty in her even then, buried deep in her sapphire eyes. And as he watched her grow, he knew marrying her wouldn’t be a duty to his family, or even hers. It would be a joy to himself. A pleasure, even.

*Please critique and post feedback in comments below*


  1. I'm intrigued by your concept and thought your first 150 words were quite well written, but as there's no tension I don't know that an agent would read on. Could you imply that she might say no, for example? It might be unlikely but if he fears it, we will, and even the most confident lover must have some doubts. Alternatively, can you hint at impending doom for the couple - like the prologue of R&J?
    Or, if there's no extra tension to be had, consider working these details in later or even just leaving the prologue out whenever you're sending samples to agents.
    I'd read on, but I want to build a strong emotional connection to Christophe, and soon.

  2. Your pitch is very clear and easy to follow, and the writing is also good!! The last sentence of the first paragraph seemed a little wordy to me. What about, "For the first time in his life he was grateful for his family's influence." I think it will help tighten it and make it less "tell." I'm curious about what will happen with his upcoming proposal, though I do agree with the above comment that there is no sense of tension at all yet. Also, I'm sure you've heard this before, but make sure a prologue is really necessary to your story. Can you start with chapter one and still get into the story? I know agents and readers don't like to invest time in characters they aren't going to see again. Just something to think about. :D Good premise though, I would keep reading!!!

  3. Thanks for your comments! Cortney (awesome spelling, by the way) These are characters you will be seeing again. Don't worry! Not investing time for nothing :D

  4. I love your premise. The only thing I can say about the pitch is that you could change “nineteenth” to “19th” which would give you more words for these short, character-counting pitches. You could also omit her last name, which would give you more characters to play with.

    In the actual narrative, should fourteen year old be fourteen-year-old?

    Also, the sentence “He was grateful for the first time in his life for his family’s influence” seems awkward to me upon reading it. I think it’s the “for the” and “for his” so close together. It seems repetitive and sticks out a little. I would try to revise the sentence so that you only use “for ___” one time in the sentence, or space them out more so that they aren’t back to back.

    That’s all I’ve got :-) I love the old-fashioned feel of this of the Prologue! Great job!

    1. Ahh! I just realized this was a 35 word pitch and not a 140 character pitch. Well, ignore that part of the pitch critique then :-) I still think you could omit her last name though.

  5. I love your excerpt.... I thought it was beautiful and I was intrigued. I was intrigued because of your pitch and excerpt.

    Good Luck