Title: SECRET DOIRES
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 62,000
Pitch:
Burdened with the secret of becoming a faery warrior, studious fourteen-year-old Liz must prepare for a war in a world she never knew existed against enemies already hunting her, making high school more complicated.
First 150 words: (updated at 9:10 a.m.)
Liz felt foolish, even childish, sneaking to follow her parents. Tomorrow was her first day of high school. She promised herself she would get to bed soon, but for now she needed to stay out of sight.
“Where are they going?” she whispered, her heart racing.
She scurried through their backyard, hearing the familiar sound of the rolling waves below. Her parents ventured closer to the cliff’s edge, stopping at a large oak. Liz, hidden from their sight, stared.
A sudden breeze sent a chill down her spine and the hair on her arms stood up. She watched, wide-eyed, as the oak began to sway and shudder. Then a section of the trunk just . . . swung open, revealing only blackness.
Her head bobbed from treetop to door in disbelief.
She felt frozen, struggling just to breathe. But when the oak shuddered again, Liz instinctively lunged for the opening.
*Please critique and post feedback in comments below*
Burdened with the secret of becoming a faery warrior, studious fourteen-year-old Liz finds high school a whole lot more complicated as she prepares for a war in a world she never knew existed, against enemies already hunting her. - That's a bit clunky, but the last part you had about 'making high school more complicated' was telling instead of showing, and also read like an afterthought. A reshuffle of facts could help.
ReplyDeleteIn your opening paragraphs you've got the build up for an intriguing event - what are her parents doing, and what's happened to the tree? But there are a lot of sentences which don't make sense and which tell instead of show. I played around a little - take or leave. Overall I still want to read the story, but after the writing's had some TLC.
Liz felt foolish, even childish, sneaking around after her parents. She promised herself she would get to bed soon, ready for her first day of school tomorrow, but first she needed answers. And that meant she needed somewhere to hide. She set her sights on the old oak down the back of the yard.
Where were they going? She scurried through the backyard after them. It was a miracle they couldn’t hear her pounding heart over the rolling waves below.
Her parents ventured closer to the cliff’s edge but Liz wouldn’t dare beyond the large oak. Hidden, she stared.
A sharp breeze threw salty air in her face and the oak began to sway and shudder in return. Liz stumbled back, wide eyed. A section of the trunk just - swung open, revealing a dense and impenetrable blackness.
The pitch is a bit clunky, but I think you just need to move the words around. I changed it around as an example, but you don't need to use it :)
ReplyDelete"High school's complicated enough without the secret of becoming a faery warrior, but now fourteen-year-old Liz must prepare for a war in a strange world against enemies that are already hunting her. And get homecoming date." (You can also ignore the homecoming date part of it doesn't pertain to her lol)
I actually liked katherine's version a lot :) But overall, I think the premise is interesting! I hope this helped and good luck!
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